Conversation between an ear bud and a toothbrush:
You know I hate my life, one day he’s going to come in here and pick me up and shove one of my heads into his gooey waxy ear and dig around swirl me in his disgusting wax, then he shall repeat the process with my other head, finally when I am coated with his mixture of dead skin cells and oil and the odd insect, he shall throw me away.
Well you think your life sucks thing about me, every morning he lifts me up squeezes out a load of tooth paste on my face, and ten shoves me in his mouth brushing me against his disgusting rotting teeth and the reek of his breath and the filth between his teeth, at least for you it happens only once I have to relive the horror over and over day in and day out, you have no idea how lucky you are.
Oh shut the hell up will you; you think you got it bad, whiners each and every day I wish I was dead, and he is killing, only too slowly. You two at least got the orifices on his head I get the one between his cheeks, and you know I’m not talking of his mouth.
Yes folks funny isn’t it well not for me, that’s my life, myraison d'être.
Well I don’t think you know, well how many people think of us any way, we are the scum of the toiletries, the bottom feeders if u like. But we have a long history, you first produced us in china in the late 13century for the emperor, but it was in the mid 18century did we really come in to existence. Well now I shall tell you a little about me, I am 40% cotton fiber, 30% wood pulp, 20%recycled paper, 10%air. I was made by Kimberly-Clark. It all started the same old way wood pulp, cotton fiber, paper pulp, water and all tumbling and falling over and over in a huge vat, until we merged into one smooth gooey mixture, then on to the rollers, they flattened me into a thin sheet, baked me in a huge steam tunnel, and flattened me again, again was I rolled on to a metallic roller, only this time the roller had a thousand tiny needle points which punctured me thru and thru, finally was I cut into one long endless ribbon of 4 inches, and rolled upon a cardboard cylinder. It was then that it dawned upon me, I was doomed to be toilet paper. You see no other tissue paper is ever rolled on to the cardboard cylinder. I was then packed by a tiny Asian lady who had powder blue gloves on her hands. I pleaded I begged, but my muted cries no ears could hear. My package read - Softer than a baby’s bottom made just for your bottom, oh how I love that slogan from the bottom of my bottom.
And then one day, I was loaded upon this shelf, there were thousands of us all mournful in bright packaging, with everything from flowers to smiles and butterflies on our package, it came to my mind then that it would be more appropriate to have a nice plum of derrière, after all as toilet paper its around that area that we’re most intimate with, well most of the time.
Well sometimes we get a little luck thrown our way especially my race of ass wipes, you see I belong to the premium stock, I really am as soft as a baby’s bottom, we are so soft that were sometimes even better than our tissue paper counterparts, we are the best of the best when it comes to well you know what I mean. So every once a while, we come in contact with his arm pit, we soak up his smelly sweat, more rarely one of his lady friends use us to remove makeup, oh I must tell you once at the beginning of the roll, this peach of a girl walked in here, smacked on some strawberry red lipstick and then, oh my and then, tore a sheet folded it in two and placed me in between her luscious lips, oh such heaven, oh how I miss her, and then she wrote upon me, this is what your missing scumbag. She cried and then dabbed me upon her face, her soft soft face, her tears undid me and for once did I feel apathy. She left and never came back. Ah but every other morning he shaves and every once in a while he nicks himself, and out roles me to the rescue absorbing his salty red blood, instantly I am elevated to a medical apparatus, something of a life saver. And then there was a time when our lord was constipated on his throne and his nose went runny, but obviously it was I that came to his rescue, and into me he blew his slime. And this one time I was used as a book mark.
So thus has been my life thus far, I think I shall last for about a week more. You use me abuse me and I have to take it all. When u cry I am there to dry up your tears, remove your makeup, absorb your blood your sweat. But for the most part you know what you made me for. And thus the length of my life is torn away one sheet at a time to be buried in the watery grave of your toilet.
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