Beyond the mist

The dark road of my thoughts pass by I drift into yet another surreal memory of a time gone by for ever of a place never to be the same again, I shall return here I promise my self, but I know it will never be what it once was to me. Why do memories of you haunt me by the dead of night and in the noon of day? I have pushed you away in every sense, yet again you seem to come back. I have merely distracted myself.
We spoke it was an illusion just that a lovely illusion your voice your smile, the sound of your laughter, my cheerful voice all but an illusion, but reality strikes back as soon as the call ends, such is the way of life. It has always been so yet I have never got used to it.
To every high there has been a low. Yet your memories return, words you spoke, places we went, the jokes we endlessly laughed on, and I ask the man up there this may be the only proof that you exist, you must be happy?
The rain falls, causing havoc among the still silent puddle, some where in the distance a bird screeches, and here I am observing how all shall be as I end.

Elements against me

(PLS enlarge i have written stuff)

This is how i got wet on 18/9/2007 @ 1:20 pm

Rained after some time, gave my imagination some life.

Lost in the Truth of the Lie

Ever have I said that lying is not wrong in fact I went forth to say that the lying can make life easier and its actually good it makes life less confusing.
I even said there are two types of lies and like every thing else a lie may me used or abused, it may be good or bad depending upon the liar.
According to me the deciding factor if a lie is good or bad was the motive of the lie in other word the reason for lying or as I like to call it the truth behind the lie, thus a lie could be good if the reason for lying is a righteous one.
I wish I could agree to that now but I can’t and if I do I would be lying and the truth of the lie would be to portray that I was not wrong and to ease my conscience and thus I would be lying to my self, yes not a very noble reason catch 22. I have often put forth a hypothetical situation to justify lying, now i use the same one to discredit it.
A situation like – if u were a surgeon about to perform a surgery wherein the patient had 90% chance of dying, and the man about to go into anesthesia looks up in to your eyes and ask if he will die, would you lie? 3 monts back I would say yes I would lie to hive him hope, but now I cant say that because the hope I would give to him would be a fools hope, and to give hope to a desperate man is dangerous. Hope can drive him crazy it can make him dream and then in a blink of an eye that dream can crumble into dust, no I would not want to lead some one right up the cliff only so he can fall to his death.
To lie and give hope seems good the, reason for lying is good, the means may be wrong but the result will over shadow it; but what if the result is not what u desired? Then the lie be wrong? What if that hope drives him gives him liberty to dream and then the only hope he had was false and his dreams crumble in to dust.
What would be better the harsh truth or false hope?
I went a step further and managed to lie to myself and I believed that lie I became a part of it and I gave my self hope, a hope that a dream would become real, but all that hope rested upon a lie. The lie which was me.

Under a blue sky

Lay roses under a sky so blue
once love blossomed
far away from the pain of the world
in a domain shrouded by mist
far into the space
where time matters not
lay roses under the blue sky
I saw thee there by the roses
I saw thee under the blue sky
Soo beautiful the lone figure
So pure from the grime
Of suffering she stood there
Alone in a world
Where roses lay under a blue sky
so far away from the suffering
yet so close it was
deep with in the lone suffering
that haunts the dark of night
yet by the dark u lay
among the thorns
under a sky so dark
awaiting the morning light
there you awoke under the blue sky
light within you so bright
a light fading away darkness.

The stone across my path

At last I take the long walk back away from what kept me going so long, I walk again with out a cause just for the sake of it devoid of expression, feeling and self.
The rain does not affect me, the cobbled path once made by slaves still persist in this desolate place the pain and sweat that soaks the very cement that holds it place has hardened it over the years; it has remained, it remained thru the years, changing slowly,
Its surface smoothened and polished by countless shoes. On that very path I walk, the rain soaking me, it does not matter the fire in me was put out much before on a much more sunny day.
I pass by statues of fallen heroes their lives immortalized by countless stories, yet in the rain they remain still their hearts stopped long ago all that’s left is a stone, a atone with their features. And I walk past them just like another stone. Walking past as the world around me chisels away, smoothening my self away from what I am until at last I crack and there i stopped halted in my tracks and finally I cracked.
As the rain came falling down on me, under the burden I cracked.

hmm

I find my self sourrounded by it

where ever i go

it follows.

Yet the one i love

i left behind

and cant seem to

see her any more.

To a lil bird that flew away

I walked into that room not knowing id find you, I walked in that room it was dark it was lonely I sat a while watched the time go by, learning each and every move of each and everyone savoring my prey. I sat there made my master plan. We laughed, drank and departed. My game was set, it was my arena and my rules everything fit into place, everything but u the girl in the dark. You sat there with your dark dress like me u watched the time go by and I could not see why, did u have a plan? I had to know I walked in to your trap you so lovingly set.
No I was mistaken let down even u had no plan you just sat there lost waiting to be found. Chance had it I would find my self in the same room with u again only this time u had a plan a feeble plan. You knew it would not work, I played it on my terms I came out of it clean. Chance plays with us in a funny way it so had it you find me yet again in your room. We spoke punctuated by red wine our minds let loose for once we both were without plans talking about wild dreams, flowing in and out of fiction and fact.
You sang I spoke it was a glorious melody. I told u my life you reflected yours.
But then it was not meant to be we walked away with a smile and mad dreams. Leaping without safety nets no cords to holds us back we took the plunge. And now our paths have come to divide we both knew we would not go all the way now at the junction we say our good byes, you smile yet a tear flows down, I look away a head on my own path.
Hoping that you reach the end safe and happy. All I could say was take care, I wish I knew more words for once.
Good bye may your path be safe and may the wind be swift bellow your wings.
Some day we might live to see the sun set yet again and watch the stars wake up and finish yet another bottle of wine.

TO my friends

OK This has been over due for far too long.
Hmm I want to start this with some thing most of u will not understand if u do I am amazed, I Johan Fleury, am a very friendly person I have uncountable friends and I can rely on them. Well that is a lie I don’t have friends I have accomplices but I have wrongly labeled some of them this post goes out to a few people I ran away from I went in to exile even when I was not banished. Well I do not regret it at all, I do miss all the amazing time we spent as friends but then again I did not realize it, I didn’t realize how much they thought me how much they became a part of me and how they contributed to my learning and growing up.
Well I am really not good at this you can ask esha she can tell you loads.
First I need to tell you all why I did what I did I am not proud of it in any way but none the less it was some thing that helped me grow up in to the person I am.
Well I did accept what I did, broke some thing special between me and esha and I am truly sorry for it, I accepted it and felt remorse but I did not realize it, in fact I did not want to realize it. But it always remained in my conscious and I put up walls of lies to suppress it I blamed it all on the distance and time ect ect but no it was not that it was me it was my fault we fell a part love did not just leave us I pushed it away. I did run away for realizing the hurt and pain I caused I ran away I distanced my self avoided you even.
But now I must confront you all, I made a great mistake and I can not expect you all to forgive me, it is some thing I will not forgive my self for, every day that’s the guilt I carry as a punishment for my wrong.
I am sorry for all of it.
I must thank you all.
Poorvi hope I get your names rite. Poorvi I have know you for longer that any one else,
My earliest memory of you is a long time ago I don’t know if u remember it but it was on valentines and you were teasing me that my valentine was my mom, we talked about your Mickey mouse sticker collection later. Hmm that was really really long back, ne way I got to thank you for letting me click you has helped me a lot, apart from that you also thought me not to underestimate a girl’s knowledge of foot ball.
Chandini (chana) yes I don’t know what I should thank u for, ummmm thanks for the really amazing pic I clicked of u and also all the funny moments hope it sunshines for you where ever u go. and I hope no chocolate factories blow up.
Pommy well I don’t remember spending much time with you except for trying to explain Deduction to you, I don’t think I did a good job.
Aprajita ah I wish we could be friends for longer, it was relly fun chatting with u and talking about stuff (life sucks and then u die –tell nikku I say hi al rite) ok I forgot what u got stuck on u know that thing u kept saying after the end of every sentence( was it you know or ok ) hey I wish I could think of more.
Gaurav- did talk a bit to you recently, always fun talink to some one almost as nutty as me, it was really stupid of me to hit you on the head cant help laughing thought hope I didn’t do any lasting damage.
Varun – I don’t know y I mention u ne way always met u no my way out so thanks for saying hi.
Anant- I remember you as a angry man who got drunk for a very long time still remember you hurling a bat at me and chasing me down the tank. Ne way thanks for the jokes and all those funny pics and your mostly useless advice.
Tannuj – ah I bet you will be feeling a bit bad ur down in the list any way thanks for all the nutty talks we had mr man with the master plan. The matrix talk we had which went from time travel to light years to space and aliens well wont forget that and I have not had a talk like that ever since.

Heman chit1 rathi ect ect you guys were a great laugh too.


Esha- I really don’t know what to say to you, I really wish I could take back all the hurt but I know I cant and I have to carry it everyday, I got to thank you for the person you helped me become. Thanks for being there and I am sorry I was not the same to you.
I hope you are happy and may u be happy no matter where you are and what you do.
Thanks soo much for all u gave me I’ll never forget it.


Ah I hope you guys read this I really do will try myy best to get it thru to you.